If Paul Would Get Married

to the tune of If Momma Was Married, by Stephen Sondheim and Jules Styne

A group of us performed this as part of a show at Paul Lazarus’s wedding. Way too many inside jokes to even begin to explain. Most of the song was sung by Paul’s brothers. The second A section was sung by his mother. Actually, someone (Marcy Heisler) playing his mother.

If Paul Would Get Married

If Paul would get married, he’d live in a house–
One wife and a couple of mutts.
Let’s make it our mission to find him a spouse,
‘Cause otherwise, Paul’s gonna drive us all nuts.
Paul ought to get married.

If Paul would get married, I’d not even care
If there were a huppa or not.
I wouldn’t care how and I wouldn’t care where.
Just make it a girl—is that asking a lot?
Paul ought to get married.

Hey, Paul, you don’t need a tux.
We know how you feel.
This wedding stuff sucks.
So, Paul, we’re all saying shucks,
It’s time to get real.
We all like our yuks.

Let’s cut to the crux, Paul, walk down the aisle while you can.
A cane to support you,
And dad to exhort you,
And mother to cook and to plan.
Oh, please Paul,
I’ll be your best man!